Sustainable Mental Health for Caregivers

Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment. Brene Brown

Early on in the process of caregiving, I didn’t know that I was a caregiver. I was merely fulfilling my role as a wife. We had always taken care of one another no matter the circumstances with positions changing in each scenario. How was this any different? I soon found out.

What started with small things like paying the bills (I learned the hard way that I must know how to do this) and delivering meals to the couch (or bed) blossomed to full time care plus overtime with no pay and no authority. My assistances were both welcomed and rejected. By the time I realized my role had a title and my responsibilities could be defined, I was in overwhelm. The tasks at hand, on their own, seemed doable. Yet, feelings of anger, resentment and guilt built like a brick wall and I was angry at myself for even having these feelings. My ability to be resilient was in jeopardy. I soon found out that this path was not sustainable.

Staying mentally healthy while caregiving is a balancing act. There are times when things move along relatively smoothly and times when I get knocked off my feet. What made the difference? Was it the “situation” or how I handled the situation? Take for instance family gatherings. It was not my job to apologize for the new changes in my survivor’s tolerance or behavior but it was my job to advocate for him and try to educate those members as to our new reality. Doing so took the weight off of me and laid the responsibility on others.

Learning when to set boundaries are key to the whole experience and evaluating these boundaries is a continual process. I am learning that when I feel angry or hurt, etc., it is time to reevaluate these boundaries. Self-imposed boundaries may be the most valuable. We can set a boundary around worry and realize that our anxiety is not productive. In this way, boundaries are a form of self-care.

I have become clear about at least one thing: self-care is never a selfish act — it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others. Parker J. Palmer

You may not have recognized your hobbies and interests before caregiving. They were just a part of your life. Going to the gym, lunch with friends, reading for pleasure, etc. As we begin out caregiver journey and our priorities shift, it is not uncommon to give up on these things bit by bit until our entire life revolves around caregiving. The activities that we enjoy, the ones that renew our energy and help us feel connected and whole are a version of self-care. Your job as a caregiver is to modify and experience what brings you joy. Re-imagining self care can include:

Identifying the activities that support your well being and fit within your ever-evolving situation

Prioritizing the activities by scheduling them or incorporating them into routines

Protecting the activities with boundaries

As the caregiving experience intensifies, self-care may come in minutes rather than hours. You might create a go-to list of restorative activities to have several options to choose from depending on your mood, needs, time available, etc. The point is to prioritize you in the mix.

Self-care is not an idea of “when I get around to it” rather an essential practice for well-being and sustainable mental health. Most of us fell into caregiving without warning. As you grow in your experience, you will see the necessity for practicing good self-care and see it’s results. Remember that sleep, exercise and nutrition (including hydration) warrant special attention because when we feel in balance, we feel better and therefore perform better.

Some of the ways I incorporate self-care in my life are:

Girl’s night out once a month

Pickleball with friends a couple of times a week (I know, I’m blessed to be able to leave my survivor for that amount of time)

Listening to podcasts or books through my phone either at home or while running errands

Zoom classes through continuing education at my local university

Gardening. I’m home but in another mindset altogether

Taking much needed time with grandchildren

I have seen and felt the difference in my life when I schedule self-care and you can too!